So it´s been quite some time since we´ve been active here, and for that I can only apologise. Except honestly, I don´t want to. I mean I AM sorry that the fantastic people that have been following us, and cheered us on have been left adrift (I´m sure you´ve coped), but I´m not apologetic, if that makes sense. There are times in life when you simply need to step back.
Beyond the Hustle: Finding My Limits
We all hear stories about the grifters, the “I get up at 3am and squeeze in a 2 hour workout before reading the entire works of Shakespeare followed by an acai bowl and an hour of meditation. If I can do it so can you!” Just no. I can´t do it, nor do I want to. Not anymore.
I used to, between 6am and 9pm I would split my days between my children, my dying mother and my job. My “breaks” consisted of meal prepping for the family, or organising doctors appointments. My “spare time” was dedicated to taking my children to their extracurriculars or being with my mother (not something I regret- I would give a million lunch hours to have her back)
All credit to those of you that have the mindset of constantly working, and honestly, I tip my hat to you. However, I wonder how much of it is based on wanting to be infallible, of wanting praise or of living up to some sort of ideal that we´ve set up for ourselves. I simply got to a stage where I needed to stop being needed. There were too many people relying on me. To be the grown up, to pay the bills, to organise everything and, to be happy about it.
But we´ve all tried to just push through right?I´m certainly guilty of it. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I have wanted to crawl back into bed, or watch TV all day, or read an awful book (preferably one that involves a woman stuck in life, who finds herself with the opportunity to go and live by the sea. You know the one- there are approximately 20 billion of them. I LOVE them). We don´t do it though, do we?
Because there's always someone that needs us. The children, the boss, the bills. All of them. And the thing is, we either can´t, or don´t want to let them down. When it comes to work, we all know that you either suck it up or risk losing your job (and let´s be honest, we´re all replaceable), the bills don´t care if you´re feeling stressed or you´re sick, they still need paying. And when it comes to family, the chances are, we love them so we actually don´t want to let them down.
The thing is, with being an Executive Assistant, your job is LITERALLY about being helpful, about taking on the extra from everyone elses jobs, about making sure that life runs smoothly for the company, regardless of the cost to you. It is so difficult, even to the extent of feeling impossible, to say “Enough”. It feels outside of our DNA to not offer to help, regardless of the cost both professionally and privately.
When Enough is Enough (as my father would say)
Now, full disclosure, I am a relatively (read very) private person. I HATE, with the fire of a thousand suns, people knowing my personal business. It genuinely makes my skin crawl, unless it´s something I´ve disclosed to them myself. If I could have kept my private life fully private over the last few years I would have. I´m not entirely sure I would have told anyone, bar my direct manager- because she was and is one of the most fabulous people I know. I don´t know if it´s my background, my work ethic, or simply my questionable personality that means that I´m this way. I´m sure it´s done me as much harm as good. I have tended to tell people on a need to know basis and only if my issues are directly affecting them. This used to mean telling only my boss, and my immediate family.
In the spirit of honesty though, and because I now work for myself and really the only people that need to know are the fab people who are part of this community, and lastly because it is in fact breast cancer awareness month, then I will say that I have been having treatment for this crappy disease for the better part of 3 years now.
Now, I don´t say this for sympathy. Please don´t do the sympathetic head tilt (even virtually), it makes me vaguely murderous- although I do sort of appreciate the sentiment behind it. I´m only announcing it now, because when I was told at the beginning of June this year that I would be needing another round of chemotherapy, that was when I said to myself (not even consciously I don´t think) “Just stop”. It didn't help that my tumour was pressing on a nerve that meant that I could barely use my right arm to pick up a fork properly, let alone type. Actually though, it probably did help. I literally couldn´t do my job. Attempting to pull my pants up after using the bathroom was also an interesting endeavour.
So what comes next?
Thankfully, my treatment seems to be being effective and I can once again put on underwear without doing what looks like a very bad impression of a tarantella. I´m lucky in that I don´t seem to suffer too badly from side effects, although the baldness isn´t fun (I´m less Natalie Portman and more Uncle Fester) and this round gave me a skin reaction that made Deadpool look like a beauty queen. On the bright side though, I can now type, and I´m not dead, which is a real bonus, as I have plans for Christmas and I´d hate to lose my reservations.
So why am I telling you all of this? I´m not sure really, other than feeling the need to explain where exactly I´ve been ( for clarification, it´s been mainly in my house directly in front of a fan on full blast. Between the summer hitting 40+ degrees here and the hot flushes from the treatment, I´m quietly confident I´ve just cooked the cancer). And I guess because when people need to step away, they need to. It doesn´t need to be for something huge, it doesn´t need to be for any reason really. It certainly doesn´t need to be for something other people deem to be acceptable. You will know when to say “Enough”. Whether that´s to take a full break, or learn where to draw the line, you don´t need to apologise for it. You don´t even have to explain. No can be a full sentence.
So I guess really I´m saying two things. Number one is, I´m back! Number two is, when you need to step back, do it. In whatever capacity you can. Because when you give yourself the space to breathe, you might just remember what it´s like to feel as though your lungs are full of air.
So expect to hear from me regularly again, and don´t forget to check your boobs. Or better yet, get the sexiest person you know to check them. If anyone has a direct line to Colin Farell (or Greg Davies- don´t question it, he´s hilarious and is tall enough to make a fat girl like me feel petite) then please feel free to put them in touch with me for my future checks. I´m also going to add a list of resources for anyone who has, or knows anyone that has or has had breast cancer. There are some incredible resources out there and with one in eight of us affected by it, you are most definitely NOT alone. If you want anything, or want to discuss your diagnosis here either publicly or privately, please do. I can be contacted directly on ana@a-classtraining.com, or you can message me directly through the members chat. XX
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